I've decided to take this time to speak out against a completely unnecessary evil that exists in our midst; an evil that could easily be sucker punched with a wrench to the back of the skull and then tossed to the curb--completely discarded and thus forgotten in future generations completely.
Drinking games.
That picture was too great to not use it...and assists in painting a very clear image of how ridiculous the games seem to me. Also it further allows me to steal BMcD's format. If I've learned anything recently then it is that there is no reason to be original...just mencia everything. (For those that don't know...he steals jokes from other comedians and passes them off as his own...such as Bobby Lee, Bill Cosby[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzKxg6YG3gQ] , George Lopez clocked about half of Mencia's HBO special as stolen material from the Lopez repetoire, Ari Shaffir...some could be coincidence but the Cosby joke won me over...anyone who loves standup has heard that joke and knows about it and wouldn't go near it...no way he performed it often and no one ever mentioned that Cosby did it first)
Back to my point--drinking games are stupid. I have given this much thought and deliberation--I have even played some drinking games before (not beer pong though...but that one always looked dumb).
Just recently, I walked into a small get together and everyone was sitting around the table playing a drinking game (something involving cards--there's no way to know because, from what I've seen, card drinking games change their rules everytime they are played). So I went to the kitchen and grabbed myself a quick shot of McCormicks, the "Smirnoff of College Kids", the "Grey Goose for People with no taste", the "worst vodka you'll ever have next to Vampyre Vodka", the " shit Oz and I used to pour into a Smirnoff bottle at our parties just so the dumb assholes would drink it and thank us and, at one time, be told thanks for buying smirnoff because most parties have McCormick's which makes them feel sick"--then I went on to grab myself a beverage--Shiner.
So I return
to the den area where people have huddled around the coffee table which is littered with cards and I stand behind the couch like any good lurker would and watch everyone play. Eventually attention is called to myself and so I was quickly invited to play. Now, no one will ever accuse me of being tactful--they might say I'm funny... but you'll almost never hear me being called tactful. So I replied back that I knew how to drink on my own; that drinking games were like training wheels and that, by our age, if you are still using training wheels--then they might as well give you a pat on the back, put a helmet on your head, and put you on the short bus because you're retarded.
Now, granted, I was not exactly nice in the way I expressed my feelings but I still feel that my statement is accurate. You have to understand my entire background with drinking and drinking games to fully understand...so I'll quickly explain. I first started drinking in the summer prior to my senior year. My friends and I stuck mostly with bitch beer and none of us ever really got drunk...although I do remember one particular night where my friend Open Car Doors was humping Unibrow on the floor like Iraq had just launched their very well hidden WMD's. Sigh...that was our Toga Party...nothing sexier than 10 guys wearing togas, drinking smirnoff ices, with no girls around....I told them a Toga party was stupid.
The first time I ever got sick off of alcohol was my freshman year of college. Oz (I feel no need to protect him or BMcD any further then those nicknames...if they really want nicknames then I'll call them Doucho Baggins and Crazy Bedilia because both names remind me of them and make me laugh) anyways...Oz and I had just gone down to Austin for quite a visit...we met up with Captain Cockblock and were immediately invited to a party with his frat which Oz and I invited Satan (my girlfriend of the time) and Donk (Oz's lady of convenience). I was randomly chosen as the designated driver and I did not drink a drop (I've been pulled over in Austin every time I've gone). Ok I might've had a beer...but really I had nothing--so after the party I dropped Oz off at Donk's place so they could make out and turn Oz's balls blue and then Satan and myself went to her dorm palace. I was eager to make up for lost time and drink as much as possible and Satan, naturally obliged. I took several shots of tequila and then Satan prepared a Margarita. Now normally it might not have been so bad, but the blender was not doing well with the iceburg that had been placed in it; so what sat before me could best be described as a giant cup of margarita mix with seven shots of tequila mixed in and a giant iceburg plopped in the middle...this drink is now referred to as "a bad idea". I winced at the taste--sugary nasty mixed with bittery tequila burning, but I feared upsetting Satan so I chugged it down while she went to the bathroom. The next day I picked up Oz from Donk's and drove everyone back to the frat party campus to retrieve Donk and Satan's car. Along the way Oz noticed I was acting weird....
"Are you ok."
"I think so."
"Are you sure?"
"....I think I'm still drunk."
"Then why the hell are you driving my car?!?!?"
"hahahaha I dunno."
We got Donk and Satan returned safely and began the trek back to Norman, Oklahoma. I started to feel queezy around Waco and told Oz that I was going to throw up soon
"Should I pull over now?"
"No...not here...there's nowhere nice to vomit....go to the next exit...there's a McDonald's...they're usually clean."
This highly astute self awareness later earned me many accolades as the best drunk ever because I know when it's coming and I always pick an appropriate place. To cut the story off--I threw up and it reaked of tequila and for about two years after that I refused to drink the stuff...and to this day it makes me gag (I can do a shot of everclear no problem so for something to make me gag is quite an accomplishment).
That story really has nothing to do with anything...but I'm drunk currently and it's funny...and a part of my larger drinking history...I'll get back to my point eventually. Now is a good time to grab a soda, go to the bathroom, and return any texts you have.
I'll wait.......
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So now time for drinking game induced problems...the first time I played a drinking game I did, indeed, get sick. I played ride the bus with Capt. Cockblock, Oz, Satan, Indie Poser, and that's all I recall. It was New Year's 2005....I had officially finished a year and a half of college...as had my colleagues. According to this drinking game...if you drew an Ace you had "Ride the Bus"....the bus was a drink placed in the middle of the cards which was a terrible assortment of all the liquor you could find with only a tiny bit of normal liquid added (I think ours was a mixture of random hard liquor, orange juice, and beer...mostly hard liquor). Anyways...an Ace meant you had to drink the whole cup. Well I drew three aces in a row....honestly...what are the odds?? Since I did not expect to have to ride the bus so often I had been downing my own drink during this game and, I'm sure, I had already had a shot or two. So by 11pm I was sick in the bathroom, but no worries....Satan still had sex with me by 1 AM ( I was sick till about 12:30...mouthwashed and ready to go by 12:45). So I missed the New Years ball drop but dropped my own balls...seems fair enough.
So that is a basic overview of my drinking history...the parts that I feel are somewhat relevant anyways. Now, I didn't have to provide all of that back story, but I want to give ammunition to those who don't agree with me. Some may say that I do not like drinking games because I got sick when I played but I hated tequila for a while after the vomiting it induced and later opened my arms to it, and games have less blame in what happened to me that fateful new years when compared to my vomit reaking of tequila--that is enough to get anyone off the sauce for a bit. Not sure if that made sense...but I don't want to retype. I had nothing against drinking games but I think getting sick did open my eyes a bit. What is the point?
I can drink on my own, get drunk, and avoid getting sick. Whereas a drinking game forces you to drink whenever it is required. So it can, indeed, force you to get drunk but it can also lead to getting sick. So my idea that drinking games are only for those who don't know how to drink is not too far off. I much prefer to drink whenever I want rather than be told when to based on chance.
The current trend of beer pong is something I view as a pox on society. Why is this game so popular? I think I have a disdain for beer/beer drinkers in general because in Oklahoma the beer was 3.0 instead of the normal 6.0 for alcoholic content. So I think it is sheer peer pressure that drives fraternity boys to get kegs for their parties and play beer pong...because, at that point, beer is just piss water so why even bother to drink it? Any guy who has gotten drunk off beer alone in Oklahoma is a vagina...end of story. Ironic considering that a guy in Oklahoma who is drinking only beer is most likely very concerned with appearing like a man among men. I take pride in the fact that I go to a bar and order a Red Bull/Vodka. If they make it right it's got close to three times the alcohol as beer and a little pick me up to help me perk up. Granted, my friends will give me shit but in my honest opinion... if you like beer then you have forced yourself to like beer. I honestly believe that very few people in this world liked beer from the start--I can believe that some people grew to like it due to it's availability at parties and such...but I cannot believe that anyone first tapped those rockies and truly thought...this is what heaven must taste like...same goes for coffee.
Well I have rambled endlessly and barely even discussed what I originally set out to...but I don't care. I'm drunk (off of Svedka vodka shots thank you very much) and so your opinion matters less than usual. So to highlight the points that were originally meant to be hit = drinking games are for those who don't know how to drink on their own, for guys who want girls to get drunk via a girl's competitive nature and through her love for retarded games (why is it that girls love games so much....they love any type of game and I don't get it...for some reason this makes me look down on girls as simpletons [I keep imagining a retarded boy clapping say YAY GAMES! when I think about it...but it seems about right to how girls act when a game is brought into play...perhaps it is related to girls and the fact that they kill all traces of a personality to appear more acceptable and therefore most girls lack originality and when faced with situations where they must come up with something fun to do then obvious answer is to play a game rather than come up with something on their own]). A little harsh...but off the top of my head. But yeah....I keep thinking of an analogy (which inspired the post to begin with) of a baby having it's mother feed it with the airplane game. Where a mother gets a baby to eat food that the child had earlier refused by saying," here comes the airplane VROOM" and then waving the spoon around until shoving it into the child's mouth. That to me is the same as a drinking game... people can't drink on their own so they think of weird ways to play the liquor into them... when, in my mind, liquor is it's own reward and there is no need to trick me into drinking it.
Sorry it was so long and pointless....I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless
actually I don't care...smooches.
