hallelujah

Same old thoughts popping up again and again--just like clockwork. Watching the wonder years something very poignant was said...basically to the extent of "as children we are everything--scientist, athlete, musician, artist...nothing but possibilities lay before us." Can't help but dwell on that lately. The options have come and gone...I can't help but feel I've wasted a great deal of potential. Not saying I'm amazing, but there's a lot of people who are practically retarded doing better than me...guess my inferiority complex is getting watered from the rain clouds over my head. I keep thinking that there is something wrong with me...that at any moment I might do something terrible, but I don't want to talk to anyone and I don't like feeling like I just sit around feeling sorry myself. Seems like everyone is fascinated with the idea of needing professional help nowadays, but I don't want to be like that....just begging for attention and pity. Sometimes I think that's all I want...and if that is the case I want to ask someone how do I get myself to stop. I don't want to sit around wallowing in my own self pity. Just stupid that my problems are so insignificant but I feel so completely overwhelmed by them. Seems like I never deal with any of my problems and I just silently stack them in the corner and the pile is towering now...ready to topple and drown me in its wake. Pretty sure I'm just being dumb...been a problem of mine for a long time. Stupidity seems to be in my blood...quickly trying to drown out any last remnants of brilliance that swim in my mind. I assume by my 40s simple addition will be beyond me. I'm in a bit of a catch 22 socially...I feel like I am not as likable as I could be and if I simply made myself more appealing then more peoople would naturally like me but I don't feel like changing anything...no need to dumb myself down...just sucks to be happy with myself while the reviews from the critics are anything but rave. hallelujah....hallelujah...I'm boring jamie.