quotes I love from high fidelity

"She didn't make me miserable, or anxious, or ill at ease. You know, it sounds boring, but it wasn't. It wasn't spectacular either. It was just good. But really good."
"I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments."

"I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but I'm certainly not the dumbest. I mean, I've read books"

"You are as abandoned and noisy as any character in a porn film, Laura. You are Ian's plaything, responding to his touch with shrieks of orgasmic delight. No woman in the history of the world is having better sex than sex you are having with Ian... in my head."

"I was jealous of other men in her design department. I became convinced that she was going to leave me for one of them. Then she left me for one of them."

"I miss her smell, and the way she tastes. It's a mystery of human chemistry and I don't understand it, some people, as far as their senses are concerned, just feel like home."

"I accept and understand that you can't be good at everything. And I am tragically unskilled in some very important areas. But sex is different; knowing that a successor is better in bed is impossible to take, and I don't know why"

"I can see everything once it's already happened--I'm very good at the past. It's the present I can't understand."

"So what am I going to do now, just keep jumping from rock to rock for the rest of my life, until there aren’t any more rocks left? Should I bolt everytime I get that feeling in my gut when I meet someone new? I’ve been thinking with my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I’ve come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains."

I'm so reluctant to go back to any way I've been before. Even though I'm quite sure that some of my older ritualistic behaviors are far superior to the ones I currently use. What I keep trying to remember is: was I really less happy then or am I just unhappy all the time? Is there no right answer and this is just the way I am? Damned if I do, damned if I don't or is there some correct way to handle these matters... not really sure. Sorry for being vague, but I gave this site to more people than originally intended so I don't want to be specific. Funny given that no one probably actually reads this. Other than the girls I made out with apparently.

rambling...but the best I've written in a while

oh baby you're a classic
the classics never go out
but go out with me
my lies are few, far and microscopic

I need another shot
never stopped at one
one more chance
there's no secret plot

Just trust me
I'm not worth it
with a toll like yours who else
is trying to pay the fee
(who else)

how about layaway
any payment plan
I'll get you if you
if you agree to stay

Only one shot
I won't be a blank
you be the sun
keeping my world hot

Just trust me
I'm not worth it
with a toll like yours who else
is trying to pay the fee
the toll is deranged
but at least I'm
searching for some change
if that's what it takes

you're too far away
drifting on another plate
I don't know about you
but I don't feel safe

I miss being between your thighs
I miss your touch
I miss you
cutting me down to size
I miss you, miss you

that's two separate shit rants...no idea what the cause...but I like the first one.

felt like writing

You push for cheers
I sneer and blurt something insincere
You don't deserve it
only been sober for five minutes

It's an achievement
your views are bent if you want my two cents
the kind who wants a ticker tape
for not waking up late

You're mean the world, but aren't worth my time
it'll all be fine--try to remember the boat times
I know it was more of an exposure
but you'll be fine mein fuhrer


that's all I have...I felt like writing something but really had nothing to say. So I decided to voice my disgust about someone who doesn't exist.

hmmm

just noticed that all the girls have noses that are fairly similar. For the most part anyways. None of them have flat noses like mine.

I'm clearly proud of my aryan heritage...somewhere deep inside I hate those damned flat nosers that are ruining the economy.

when will I stop denying my people?

hmm needs work

I'm drowning in a sea of white
the page just sits there reflecting the light
and slowly ravaging my eyes
blind to the answers; I only see the why's

There's no reason to feel so destroyed
I've got my health and, hell, I'm employed
Just enough to wet my whistle
drink so I can't feel

I never wanna be
like him
I never want to play
his games
but from behind
we already look the same

just please, please
believe in me

I can't see through this sea of black
I look down and the words look back
the words fly out from this pen
Creating a museum display of all my past sins

All of my feelings remain
I'm no different but I'm not the same.
New thoughts come into view
but they quickly become skewed
they retreat in a blur
I chase them but stumble to the floor

I cling to these letters
yet nothing feels better
they surround like a blanket
If you can't be happy...just fake it

it's awful...but there's something I like about it so I'm putting it here to save it

it whirls and crashes
you fight and thrash
but it takes you down
the fear has you on it's knee
you struggle to break free
but there's no way out
you don't think you can take it
but it wraps around you like a warm blanket
and you learn to love the warmth
the security blocks it all out

words are flying out
like endless rain into a paper cup
they slither while they pass
they slip away across the universe
pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting through my open mind
possessing and caressing me

jai guru deva om
nothing's gonna change my world

images of broken light
which dance before me like a million eyes
and call me on and on
across the universe
thoughts meander like a
restless wind inside a letterbox
they stumble blindly as they make their way
across the universe

jai guru deva om
nothing's gonna change my world

sounds of laughter shade my life
are ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me
limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on
across the universe

jai guru deva om
nothing's gonna change my world

don't know why I posted these lyrics...just felt sort of necessary for some reason. I don't really like the beatles...but I have a lot of respect for them and their contribution to music. Just read the lyrics and put on your favorite version of the song...whether it be the beatles themselves or rufus wainwright, fiona apple, or (god help you) the movie version.

I hope you're all well.

A medical breakthrough

I have made a startling revelation these past few days. I had noticed something odd about the males in Korea but could not decisively pinpoint what it was about them that struck me as strange. Was it the almost homosexual behavior (arms around the shoulders of close friends, the high pitch screeches and laughs, the openness with fondling my keychain while it hangs by my front belt loop, or even the rubbing of my arm hair anytime it draws close to them). But that was not it. I immediately stowed myself away in my laboratory to begin research.

I studied live specimens and took samples and finally made an amazing discovery. An entire species that heavily lacks a “cool” gene. The gene is so rare, in fact, that one could almost believe it extinct. The “cool” gene (otherwise known as the Fonzarelli gene or the big, mean, McQueen gene) is a simple combination--really just an adenine in the correct place provides the correct response and adds that natural “cool” that has driven so many people to fame (cary grant, jude law, johnny depp). This gene allows for the owner to hold an abundance of coolness in the brain and even secrete it in their glands--often forcing them to ooze coolness. However, in Korea, with a lack of this gene, and the addition of a new anomaly gene which shall now be referred to as the “spaz” gene, the men here are in a very dire situation. The disease is known as spaz and these men are spazes.

They will randomly burst or “spaz” out into uncontrollable high pitched laughter or “girly giggling” and, while they will present themselves very formally--the formality will only make them seem all the more feminine and only works to make the “spaz” outs seem that much more extreme. I don’t know what can be done about these spazes but I do hope to be one of the driving forces behind finding a cure one day.

say what you need to say...

discussing how I feel like I live my life in fear and regret the other night has stuck with me. Can't help but hate that I feel that way...but I also don't like the alternative...and no middle ground is in sight. Does everyone feel this way? How does everyone else feel?

I don't like that I have nightmares about twice a week...waking up in a panic, out of breath and sweating is not a pleasant end to a night.

Just wish I had time to think to myself...I need to start a new written journal...writing in those always seems cooler.

sigh, off to the bars.

funny that I don't even really like going out...likeminded people must meet somewhere else because I mostly see douchebags and hookers, but I'll go anyways so I can drink.




scared to know where people like me hang out...comic stores, gamestops, libraries, coffee/bars in dallas...funny that I've spent a great deal of time trying to be different but I often feel like I'm too different and don't really fit in to one place...which is my greatest strength and weakness...it's nice to feel like you relate to everyone but sucks that almost no one is a good fit.

ugggh...never should've started writing again

because then all you crazy asses beg me for more...sigh..it's rough being a man of adulation

I've decided to take this time to speak out against a completely unnecessary evil that exists in our midst; an evil that could easily be sucker punched with a wrench to the back of the skull and then tossed to the curb--completely discarded and thus forgotten in future generations completely.

I'm speaking, of course, about:

Drinking games.





That picture was too great to not use it...and assists in painting a very clear image of how ridiculous the games seem to me. Also it further allows me to steal BMcD's format. If I've learned anything recently then it is that there is no reason to be original...just mencia everything. (For those that don't know...he steals jokes from other comedians and passes them off as his own...such as Bobby Lee, Bill Cosby[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzKxg6YG3gQ] , George Lopez clocked about half of Mencia's HBO special as stolen material from the Lopez repetoire, Ari Shaffir...some could be coincidence but the Cosby joke won me over...anyone who loves standup has heard that joke and knows about it and wouldn't go near it...no way he performed it often and no one ever mentioned that Cosby did it first)


Back to my point--drinking games are stupid. I have given this much thought and deliberation--I have even played some drinking games before (not beer pong though...but that one always looked dumb).







Just recently, I walked into a small get together and everyone was sitting around the table playing a drinking game (something involving cards--there's no way to know because, from what I've seen, card drinking games change their rules everytime they are played). So I went to the kitchen and grabbed myself a quick shot of McCormicks, the "Smirnoff of College Kids", the "Grey Goose for People with no taste", the "worst vodka you'll ever have next to Vampyre Vodka", the " shit Oz and I used to pour into a Smirnoff bottle at our parties just so the dumb assholes would drink it and thank us and, at one time, be told thanks for buying smirnoff because most parties have McCormick's which makes them feel sick"--then I went on to grab myself a beverage--Shiner.


So I return to the den area where people have huddled around the coffee table which is littered with cards and I stand behind the couch like any good lurker would and watch everyone play. Eventually attention is called to myself and so I was quickly invited to play. Now, no one will ever accuse me of being tactful--they might say I'm funny... but you'll almost never hear me being called tactful. So I replied back that I knew how to drink on my own; that drinking games were like training wheels and that, by our age, if you are still using training wheels--then they might as well give you a pat on the back, put a helmet on your head, and put you on the short bus because you're retarded.

Much to my surprise, this comment did not go over well--particularly with one dudebro out of the group who I actually went to high school with. (To once again steal from BMcD, keep my ass out of trouble, and protect the innocent...he will get a nickname... I will call him Shopping Cart). However, unlike BMcD...I will explain that I gave him that nickname because his head is so big that he reminds me of a pep boy and therefore probably required a shopping cart to carry his head until his neck muscles were up to the job. Anyways, Shopping Cart immediately took offense to me calling him, and everyone else in the room a retard who didn't know how to drink. Being a man, nay, the manliest of men--the kind of man that loves sports, and only drinks beer to get drunk despite the fact that it doesn't taste good and takes much longer than shots to hit--he's a man gawdammit...he immediately felt the need to defend himself. Shopping Cart quickly retorted in his own dry and humorous manner, " Whatever dude". (...does punctuation go in or outside the quotation marks...Mrs. Lynch, Mrs. Zell, and Mrs. Weida would devour my testicles for not remembering...not to mention Prof Barry who asked me to be an English major).

Now, granted, I was not exactly nice in the way I expressed my feelings but I still feel that my statement is accurate. You have to understand my entire background with drinking and drinking games to fully understand...so I'll quickly explain. I first started drinking in the summer prior to my senior year. My friends and I stuck mostly with bitch beer and none of us ever really got drunk...although I do remember one particular night where my friend Open Car Doors was humping Unibrow on the floor like Iraq had just launched their very well hidden WMD's. Sigh...that was our Toga Party...nothing sexier than 10 guys wearing togas, drinking smirnoff ices, with no girls around....I told them a Toga party was stupid.

The first time I ever got sick off of alcohol was my freshman year of college. Oz (I feel no need to protect him or BMcD any further then those nicknames...if they really want nicknames then I'll call them Doucho Baggins and Crazy Bedilia because both names remind me of them and make me laugh) anyways...Oz and I had just gone down to Austin for quite a visit...we met up with Captain Cockblock and were immediately invited to a party with his frat which Oz and I invited Satan (my girlfriend of the time) and Donk (Oz's lady of convenience). I was randomly chosen as the designated driver and I did not drink a drop (I've been pulled over in Austin every time I've gone). Ok I might've had a beer...but really I had nothing--so after the party I dropped Oz off at Donk's place so they could make out and turn Oz's balls blue and then Satan and myself went to her dorm palace. I was eager to make up for lost time and drink as much as possible and Satan, naturally obliged. I took several shots of tequila and then Satan prepared a Margarita. Now normally it might not have been so bad, but the blender was not doing well with the iceburg that had been placed in it; so what sat before me could best be described as a giant cup of margarita mix with seven shots of tequila mixed in and a giant iceburg plopped in the middle...this drink is now referred to as "a bad idea". I winced at the taste--sugary nasty mixed with bittery tequila burning, but I feared upsetting Satan so I chugged it down while she went to the bathroom. The next day I picked up Oz from Donk's and drove everyone back to the frat party campus to retrieve Donk and Satan's car. Along the way Oz noticed I was acting weird....
"Are you ok."
"I think so."
"Are you sure?"
"....I think I'm still drunk."
"Then why the hell are you driving my car?!?!?"
"hahahaha I dunno."

We got Donk and Satan returned safely and began the trek back to Norman, Oklahoma. I started to feel queezy around Waco and told Oz that I was going to throw up soon
"Should I pull over now?"
"No...not here...there's nowhere nice to vomit....go to the next exit...there's a McDonald's...they're usually clean."
This highly astute self awareness later earned me many accolades as the best drunk ever because I know when it's coming and I always pick an appropriate place. To cut the story off--I threw up and it reaked of tequila and for about two years after that I refused to drink the stuff...and to this day it makes me gag (I can do a shot of everclear no problem so for something to make me gag is quite an accomplishment).

That story really has nothing to do with anything...but I'm drunk currently and it's funny...and a part of my larger drinking history...I'll get back to my point eventually. Now is a good time to grab a soda, go to the bathroom, and return any texts you have.

I'll wait.......
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.........................
So now time for drinking game induced problems...the first time I played a drinking game I did, indeed, get sick. I played ride the bus with Capt. Cockblock, Oz, Satan, Indie Poser, and that's all I recall. It was New Year's 2005....I had officially finished a year and a half of college...as had my colleagues. According to this drinking game...if you drew an Ace you had "Ride the Bus"....the bus was a drink placed in the middle of the cards which was a terrible assortment of all the liquor you could find with only a tiny bit of normal liquid added (I think ours was a mixture of random hard liquor, orange juice, and beer...mostly hard liquor). Anyways...an Ace meant you had to drink the whole cup. Well I drew three aces in a row....honestly...what are the odds?? Since I did not expect to have to ride the bus so often I had been downing my own drink during this game and, I'm sure, I had already had a shot or two. So by 11pm I was sick in the bathroom, but no worries....Satan still had sex with me by 1 AM ( I was sick till about 12:30...mouthwashed and ready to go by 12:45). So I missed the New Years ball drop but dropped my own balls...seems fair enough.

So that is a basic overview of my drinking history...the parts that I feel are somewhat relevant anyways. Now, I didn't have to provide all of that back story, but I want to give ammunition to those who don't agree with me. Some may say that I do not like drinking games because I got sick when I played but I hated tequila for a while after the vomiting it induced and later opened my arms to it, and games have less blame in what happened to me that fateful new years when compared to my vomit reaking of tequila--that is enough to get anyone off the sauce for a bit. Not sure if that made sense...but I don't want to retype. I had nothing against drinking games but I think getting sick did open my eyes a bit. What is the point?

I can drink on my own, get drunk, and avoid getting sick. Whereas a drinking game forces you to drink whenever it is required. So it can, indeed, force you to get drunk but it can also lead to getting sick. So my idea that drinking games are only for those who don't know how to drink is not too far off. I much prefer to drink whenever I want rather than be told when to based on chance.



The current trend of beer pong is something I view as a pox on society. Why is this game so popular? I think I have a disdain for beer/beer drinkers in general because in Oklahoma the beer was 3.0 instead of the normal 6.0 for alcoholic content. So I think it is sheer peer pressure that drives fraternity boys to get kegs for their parties and play beer pong...because, at that point, beer is just piss water so why even bother to drink it? Any guy who has gotten drunk off beer alone in Oklahoma is a vagina...end of story. Ironic considering that a guy in Oklahoma who is drinking only beer is most likely very concerned with appearing like a man among men. I take pride in the fact that I go to a bar and order a Red Bull/Vodka. If they make it right it's got close to three times the alcohol as beer and a little pick me up to help me perk up. Granted, my friends will give me shit but in my honest opinion... if you like beer then you have forced yourself to like beer. I honestly believe that very few people in this world liked beer from the start--I can believe that some people grew to like it due to it's availability at parties and such...but I cannot believe that anyone first tapped those rockies and truly thought...this is what heaven must taste like...same goes for coffee.

Well I have rambled endlessly and barely even discussed what I originally set out to...but I don't care. I'm drunk (off of Svedka vodka shots thank you very much) and so your opinion matters less than usual. So to highlight the points that were originally meant to be hit = drinking games are for those who don't know how to drink on their own, for guys who want girls to get drunk via a girl's competitive nature and through her love for retarded games (why is it that girls love games so much....they love any type of game and I don't get it...for some reason this makes me look down on girls as simpletons [I keep imagining a retarded boy clapping say YAY GAMES! when I think about it...but it seems about right to how girls act when a game is brought into play...perhaps it is related to girls and the fact that they kill all traces of a personality to appear more acceptable and therefore most girls lack originality and when faced with situations where they must come up with something fun to do then obvious answer is to play a game rather than come up with something on their own]). A little harsh...but off the top of my head. But yeah....I keep thinking of an analogy (which inspired the post to begin with) of a baby having it's mother feed it with the airplane game. Where a mother gets a baby to eat food that the child had earlier refused by saying," here comes the airplane VROOM" and then waving the spoon around until shoving it into the child's mouth. That to me is the same as a drinking game... people can't drink on their own so they think of weird ways to play the liquor into them... when, in my mind, liquor is it's own reward and there is no need to trick me into drinking it.

Sorry it was so long and pointless....I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless


actually I don't care...smooches.

taking a barrage of verbal assaults
powers boosted with insecurities
start the ten count and get the smelling salts
now judgement by social jury

magenta colored fries and yellow skies
everything shapeshifting
right before my eyes
into something a little less uplifting

Slam the gavel
charges pressed and sentences passed
despite a lack of arrival
jury calls for death by lower caste

the sound of your voice
echoes in memories unpossessed
there was no other choice
but to leave you unimpressed


just awful

If you don't roll with the punches...

You're just going to get the shit beat out of you.

A compromise is just a promise that you aren't willing to make.

I'm like a newspaper on September 12th; I've got bad news written all over me.