Something is missing.

It is missing.

rain, rain

Well I suppose I should give background before I say what is happening now.

Most people know that I'm not madly in love with this job and my boss, Larry, as he shall be called, has never attempted to make it any easier. Well for the past month or two he's been particularly hard on me. Calling me into his office for regular conferences. Telling me I needed to be more animated. That parents are complaining about me. He would tell me I'm not fun enough. Tell me I need to do better lesson plans. He'd do impressions of me. So I have not been super happy about it, but I figured the right thing to do was to just accept it--try some of his advice (some things I can do--suddenly become extremely confident and animated isn't really in the agenda) and the other stuff just ignore and eventually he'd back off. Well he didn't. He kept telling me I did too much writing and not enough speaking. That I'm boring. Told me I needed to be an actor--because teaching and acting are the same thing. He even started yelling "HELLO EVERYONE" in his office and had me do it too. At one point he told me he believed in me. So yesterday--10 minutes before class he tells me I need to do only speaking. No writing all day. I said ok and walked away and sat down. Then I realized that that meant--I now have to throw out everything I planned. I was tired of him picking at me. So I went to Tgreen and said I wanted to leave, but I wouldn't do it if she thought it'd be bad news for her. She encouraged it. And so I grabbed my bag and walked out 5 minutes before my first class. The manager caught me as I got into the cab and asked where I was going and what I was doing. And I told him I was leaving. He asked if it was what Larry said and I said yes and it's ridiculous so I'm leaving. He finally let the door close on the cab and I went home.
Now I know them well enough to know the next move. They would come to my place and bang on the door. Wanting to avoid that--I grabbed what I could really fast and then got out of there. I took a cab and went to the area where my friend lives. Called him and asked what time he finished work. He said at 6 so I had about 2 1/2 hours to kill. So I walked around and enjoyed the day and the adrenaline high I had from leaving work. Finally my friend MC got off work and we met up. I asked him how he felt about going to seoul for burritos. He was down and we set off. The burritos were great except I didn't grab enough cash at my place so I couldn't buy as much as I would've. Got home around 11:30 and I called tgreen to see what the damage was. Apparently no one was mad. Not only that but many of them felt sorry for me. Tgreen had found out further that larry had made up the complaints. And not only that, but he wasn't going to bother me anymore.
After getting that news I was feeling back on top. But apparently Larry had also implied that he might have my passport. (I gave it to them so we could finally finish my visa). So after some time I got pissed off again. They might have my passport--he lied and made all the complaint bullshit up. I became extremely furious again and decided not to go to work the next day (today).
I finally got some sleep and then woke up and left a note on Tgreen's door letting her know that I wasn't going. Then she came up and tried to talk me out of it. I told her that I wasn't coming but I'd think about it and if I changed my mind and I'd come in later. She said ok and then left.
I started to think about it and realized that maybe she was right. I should probably go in. I was pushing it a little too far. I heard her coming up the stairs again and was about to tell her that I'd be there but I'd be late when it wasn't Tgreen but rather her mate. Mate has been sick the past two days and has missed work because of that. He didn't talk long--or really at all. It was more yelling than anything. He basically told me I was a fucking coward and a baby and that I was fucking him over and he's sick and then he walked out and slammed the door.
So, once again, I changed my mind. Decided I wasn't going to work after all. Because in a way he was right. I was being a coward. I've been letting people walk all over me. Larry and Mate both. I've been avoiding both of them. They've both been picking at me telling me how I and what I should be and I've done nothing. Mate has a tendency to try and give me 'tough love' seminars. Wherein he attacks me and tells me his opinions disguised as facts. There's little point in arguing because...well you can't really argue with Mate.
So I decided that Mate isn't going to bully me into doing what he wants me to. Maybe I am a baby. But I do know that when Mate decided to disappear for a while I left him alone. I was sick and I covered his classes. And when they asked me about Mate I just said I didn't know anything.
I'm tired of the 'do as I say not as I do' bullshit.

I don't know. So yeah. Hasn't been a great day. I'm sure everyone at work hates me now but I don't really care. Too pissed of to give a shit right now. I kind of wish Mate hadn't come up. If he hadn't barged in with his false sense of bravado then I probably would've been at work by now. But I had to choose--be a coward and not go to work or be a coward and be bullied into going to work. I wasn't given many options.

So yesterday I didn't work because of Larry. And today I'm not because of Mate.

I'll go back to work on Monday early and talk everything out and accept whatever it is they have to say.

update time--like hammer time but with value

had an anxiety attack today. Not really too sure why--I guess because I had such a great past few days. We had monday and tuesday off for lunar new year and taylor, curtis, and I all hung out. I had a great time and going back to work was something I didn't want to do. To go from having a great time and back to a job I'm not a fan of was depressing I guess. I don't know. Just felt like I couldn't do it today. So had an anxiety attack--which gave me a migraine--second one this month and so this time they didn't want to let me go home--I decided that I'd try and tough it out for them. Ended up going away and I was fine. Not really much to say--going back to my closed book ways. I've gotta go into work early tomorrow to catch up on stuff. Today really wasn't a bad day actually. Had to be an asshole to my students because the manager wouldn't uphold my punishment. So he told them they could leave and I had to yell at them "No--go back." Sigh--but I don't like those kids so it was kind of fun. They didn't write their diaries so I made them go to the library to write them and he was going to let them go home. Sucks when they don't back you up. But good that I'm getting ballsy enough to tell go against what Roy says. Taylor helped out too--had my back and whatnot--yelled to Roy that this class has discipline problems and to not let them go home.

Emily came back to the school. Kind of figured she would but I'm still sad about it. She escaped--I was envious. Hopefully I'll be doing the same soon. Curtis thinks i should stick out just to prove something to myself--prove that I can deal with the shit and finish what I start. I told him I'd think about staying longer. I'm still pretty undecided. I've already got dates and parties when I get back--be a shame to bail on that.

Need to try and see a bit more before I leave, but I've blown too much money lately so I need to wait. Really trying to have a few grand for when I go back home. Be nice to go home with about 3, but we'll see. Korean won is shit right now so who knows what I'll get back with. Just did the math--I should have at least 2. We'll see. Still be a nice little wad of cash--enough to get started with anyways.

Curtis wanted me to wear new shoes because the kreans think my converse are dirty, full of holes, and gross. I think they're dirty, full of holes, and awesome. But the think I look homeless. So today I wore my nice black leather shoes...I went from looking homeless to them saying I looked rich. Dumb. I love my shoes. My students called them trash. I do have a pair of shoes I really want though--wanted for a while. And we hunted pretty hardcore for them--I give you, my new dream shoes:

They look suede but they aren't.. the ones I want aren't anyways. I want navy keds. Granted, keds only makes women's shoes. So I'll have to hunt down a knock off--vans makes a shoe that's very similar but they only have royal blue thus far...and I really want navy. We'll see what turns up I'm so into those shoes it hurts right now. Pretty kick ass though right? I mean I can totally see me rocking these bad boys. And trust me...in a few months they'll be on sale at Urban outfitters or some other place that loves to rip off my ideas. They always copy me but release a more polished version of my ideas. Assholes. Everyone mocks me when I wear my stuff but then it becomes cool soon after. Price of being a visionary. The old man sweaters, the sock bands, the thrift town t shirts--just about everything I think of is lame but imitated. But I love it. So I can't really complain--but I find a way to.

I went
but you left

I'm engaged...that's cool though right?

Been thinking about why I came here more and more. Is it cowardly to go back? Even if I came here for the wrong reasons to begin with? I mean I don't even like travelling. Why would I think I'd like this. Good that I've learned what I have. I flirt too much. I need to learn to not be so anti complimenting people. So much to do so little time.

another day another 1000 won

They never called me on saturday so I didn't get tested until tuesday I believe. They pissed me off because mr lee acted like it was my fault that we hadn't got this done yet. He was telling me how important it all is and that it's crunch time more or less and was basically lecturing me on all of it and that it can't be put off anymore. I was just getting pissy that he seemed to be saying I'm the one who's put it off. They would've forgotten about the testing altogether had I not brought it up. This week has actually been a good week. Work hasn't been too bad and for the most part everyone has left me alone. Except mr lee--who is still poking his head in my classrooms constantly and if I'm teaching them stuff he comes in and tells me how great and energetic I am but if they are doing a writing assignment or spelling test he tells me that I need to have more energy and do more speaking. I do about a 50-50 split between speaking and writing and refuse to change how I do it. Maybe that's silly on my part but I do plenty of both. Most of my classes are too large to really do more speaking. I talk to every student at least three times during any given class. I really like to combine writing and speaking--usually give them an assignment to do. They can start on it and actually look at everything and see if they understand it--if not they can ask for help. Then after enough time has passed I call on random people to answer the questions. Now that's not as hard as just asking them right off the bat but I don't think that's very fair to do with new material. Takes some practice before you get something and I think writing is the best way to see if they get it. To easy to get lucky with speaking. After they've had some practice with it I start throwing the new material into everyday questions. For instance we recently learned "going to" and now I ask them questions with that in it all the time.

So whatever--just venting. Yesterday I had a class that I don't really love--it's an ok class though. They just aren't super bright. But due to some rearranging and quitting and and all that the class is far improved from what it was. We've actually been able to do the book activities with some level of success and I've been able to teach them without having to take up cell phones. However I kept going on tangents the other day which is fine--never bad to teach them more new words. But I would basically keep going until I hit something that they couldn't get. I started out teaching them what a Saint is and then eventually stopped when I got to the Pope. And, good god, try to teach them what a soap opera is.

One class has never seen the Tianenmen Square video...I was in shock. How can you have lived your life and never seen that video? Such a famous video that is played all the time and even spoofed on occasion (family guy comes to mind). I told them I'd find the video and let them watch it. Wanted to do it during that class but time ran out. That's actually the class where Mr Lee came in. They don't understand a word he says so I never know why he bothers talking to the class. I barely understand his english so I can guarantee that most koreans won't understand his butchered version of english. Especially because he uses words they don't know. Such as: energetic, you agree?, and a few others. We had been reading a story about China--it talked about Tiananmen Square and the Forbidden City and the Terra Cotta Warriors. I was teaching so many new words that I ran out of room on the board. So Mr Lee saw that and had to come in and tell me how great i was doing and that this was perfect and basically suggest that he was happy I was taking his suggestions on my teaching. When really I haven't changed a thing--he just only sees a small glimpse into my teaching through his pop ins so he either sees talking or writing and for a week or two he only happened to poke in during writing so now he thinks that's all I do. Hmm tried to find a picture that accurately shows what he does but there isn't one. Basically the classes have these rectangular opaque windows in them and in the middle of the rectangle is a square that is transparent. Now, Mr Lee isn't a tall man, only a nosy one, so he has to stand on his tip toes to look through these squares. So when he peeks through one sides of his body is always on a lean. The combination of tip toes and leaning makes it so he can get one eye to see in through the square window. So when he peeks in it's easy to notice. You see this man, barely maintaining his balance, peeking through the window like a small boy trying to see his first breast. Just sad really. Most of my students are at least aware that he's an idiot because any time he's come in to talk to us as soon as he leaves they start laughing. Might've almost gotten me in trouble because when he left yesterday their laughter followed his exit so closely that he peeked back in through the window. He's pretty full of himself though--probably just thought the american clown did something silly--like danced for his little krean masters.

Well I've written for far too long--I've gotta get to work. First class--I love. The students are all so sweet and actually seem to enjoy themselves and the work. The second class I loathe--one of the worst and stupidest students in the school is there. Granted he's very young but he's been there for a year and, while the rest of the class is reading, he's busy saying every word is socks. On top of that he likes to goof around and play with any little thing he finds. Kid has ADD mixed with stupidity. He's gonna have a rough life. I don't even ask if he has homework anymore, but he's always sure to tell me everyday that he doesn't have it. As if I might expect him to. I tried punishing them for not doing homework, but they aren't so stupid that they don't know the "I didn't understand" card. I've gotten them started on the homework in class once and when they didn't do it I got the manager to tell them they had to stay after class to do it and they just said they didn't get it and he let them off. I can see that they don't understand every now and then but there have been a few times where I know they're full of shit. Anyways--third class is also the devil. Just too many kids in one class. Some of them have already done the book I'm teaching--so why are they in my class you might ask? Because Kreans are very big on age rather than actual talent/skill/knowledge. So all these kids are in the same age group and therefore belong in the same class. Class after that will be fun. I have a few students in there who are interested in english and really work hard. Also have a few boys in there I don't love but they behave well enough now--just had to lay down the law early on. After that I have dinner. Then I have my next class which is quickly becoming a favorite. All the students I didn't like have quit. Don't get all huffy--I didn't like one girl b/c she was stupid and never did her work. So I started to pick on her a little--nothing bad. For instance, I knew she was getting answers from other people so I had everyone finish the exercise then I took up their books and asked them to come to the board to write in answers to questions I gave them. she still managed to cheat. Anyways--I started putting pressure on her to actually do her own work ( put them in a seating chart so she wasn't near her sources) and I think that's part of why she quit. I wasn't letting her talk or just fly by in class so she was done with it. The other kid I think couldn't afford it anymore. His name was jack and I lovingly called him jack off in my head. He was smart but just jacked off during class. Ie didn't do anything. Joked around the whole time. I liked him ok but he was going to take a while to break into the classroom style I like. I don't mind some joking but if it gets distracting then it's time to tone it down. Although my favorite student in that class quit too--his mom wanted him to try a new school in the new year. I heard that he hates the new one and wants to come back but his mom won't let him. Anyways--after that I have a forever long class--two hours. I have no idea why. No one else has a two hour long class. I'm pretty sure that someone fucked up somewhere in scheduling. I'd bet that all the english teachers are supposed to have these kids--because Curtis has them M-Th and then I have them for two hours on friday. I'd bet that taylor is supposed to have them one hour and me the next hour but they had an extra hour where I was doing nothing and taylor teaching a class during my extra. So just give me the class. 2 hours, however, is a long time. So we usually just do book work and talk during that class. Nothing too intensive. Then after that I have a class full of great kids. They're english is really good and I have fun with them. So I end on a high note--sort of. I'm usually just exhausted by the end of a friday. I won't get off till about 9:50. 3-10 doesn't sound like much, I know, but trust me when I say that these kids keep you moving. Friday is just my longest day--I'm used to getting off an hour earlier so it's always the hardest. Oh well--luckily my last class is good so it doesn't really bother me. If they were bad I'd hate it.

Try to think of how to explain what immediately means to a basic class. Or forbidden. They sound easy but keep in mind they don't know "right away" or "allowed". Those were my first two instincts. They never got immediately and someone looked it up on a dictionary while I was trying. Forbidden I got though--no smoking sign = smoking isn't allowed. Not allowed = forbidden. forbidden city--a city that most people were not allowed in for a long time. BAM

Hopefully the bill is clean...

Well in 3 hours I've gotta "get up" and go to the hospital. Yes, on a saturday I'll be going somewhere at 9 am. Work gets on my nerves. But whatever--gotta do it if I want to stay past this month and I promised myself no decisions yet. That I'd try not to make one right now anyways. So I've gotta go get tested and all that. Let's hope I don't have Aids. Pretty sure I'm alright, but still...won't relax till I hear the test results. And I stick by that that'd be the worst way to find out--while in a foreign country--then told you're visa is denied and you're fired. Be pretty rough. Had a movie day at school today. I started to draw a mural on one of the chalkboards but couldn't really think of much to draw--besides these students kept coming in and adding to it. I finally gave up when some of taylor's students drew on one of my drawings. They were kids so didn't really say anything. But that also may be why I don't like kids.

Wonder what other tests they wanna do? I know drug tests and all that. Which, unless that health bar I had had poppy seeds in it, I should be clean. Hopefully that's about it--and I'll try and ask about my lump. I think it got bigger..not sure.

Well I figured it and I've lost about 20 lbs since I've been here. They should weigh me again tomorrow so I'll know a more accurate number--I'll be sure to post it. Depressing, I was in good shape when I left, but with the hours I work and the shittiness of the gym here I just can't get myself to go. Besides they always stare at me when I'm there. Back is starting to hurt from losing so much weight...most of which being muscle I'm sure. Skinniest I've been in a long time. On the plus side some pants I brought that didn't fit when I came here fit now. I had worn them unbuttoned the first time I wore them. Now they're baggy. Bad thing being that all my clothes are baggy. Pretty easy to lose weight here since I don't really like korean food. The only american style food they have is usually junk food. Although I might try to go to a subway tomorrow. It's pretty far but totally worth it. Besides I might be going to the gameboard cafe tomorrow. Pretty cool right? Just pay for how long you're there and they let you play various games. We played monopoly last time. It was pretty cool.

speaking words of wisdom: let it be

Still can't decide for sure what I want to do. Mainly because today was a good day and the boss has been kissing my ass. they're incredibly shorthanded so he's been very complimentary. So everyone is being nice and I got to just fart around and talk to beave. Skip all the classes I don't like and didn't have to teach on my longest day. Realized today that I really think I could finish this contract--but I still think my mental and physical health will be shot to shit. I don't want to say I'm sad--but I'm not happy here anymore. Things are starting to wear on me and I feel like if I get out now it'll be for the best. Just a matter of when. I have a choice between two different months and I can't decide. Beave encourages for the later one. We'll see. Probably will be that one. I could use the extra cash when I get back home--and seeing as how the job market is supposed to be tight I'll be happy I stayed that extra month.

Well I'm trying to post a lot--semi daily if I can so that I can remember stuff better. Memory is fading faster and faster it seems like. I'll keep everyone updated on my decision and whatnot.

just saw an ad

for a home laser hair removal kit
only about a thousand bucks...what a steal!! Can't believe someone would sell that. Having a laser that burns out hair sounds a little extreme for someone to have at home...but whatever. Just thought I'd share.

welp

I'm sick again. Third time since I've been here. Tonsils are shitting out on me. This is the worst one yet. I actually feel like I have the flu and whatnot. Still had to work which sucked. Got to come in late which was nice though. Nurse gave me a shot in the butt--that was pleasant. Never had one of those before. So after leaving the doctor my butt and throat hurt. Have a sporatic cough which is annoying. Can't hardly talk--so as you can imagine teaching is a pain. Did ok today though so that's nice. Two students of mine that quit (June and Joey) have been going to another academy. Was sad that they quit--assumed I was doing that badly but I was told today by my students that neither of them like the new place and they both want to come back. Sadly their parents won't let them. Been watching Batman the animated series. Show still kicks ass. Oh and good news--this one little asshole kid Jim quit. I could not be happier about that. Him and this other kid, Dan, had an affinity for playing on cellphones, not listening, being stupid, cussing in both english and krean, and really just being really fucking annoying. I had to take up their cellphones almost everyday. Talk to them several times and they still don't listen. Hate it when a stupid kid tries to be a smartass--no matter what the country. With Jim moving and probably going to another academy Dan will be easier to handle. Prior to Jim coming to my school Dan was pretty easy to handle--still and idiot who could give a rat's ass about learning english, but easy to handle. So hopefully now he'll go back to that. Have two new students in that class now. They seem alright. Can never tell at first. I'm in love with the Connie girl in that class. She's the only one who really pays attention--she shows that I'm not pushing them too hard or asking to much--if they paid attention then they could get it too. She's pretty much my helper in that class--explains to everyone else how to do the assignments and whatnot. I have a helper in most every class. For the most part those kinds of students are my favorites. Ruby is like that, as is Casey, and Eric. Joey was till he left. However I do have a couple of students who aren't the best but they have a seemingly genuine interest in learning-Karen and Natasha falling into that group--Wilbur as well. There are a few students that are bright spots. Those are the ones that keep me coming back. I can talk and joke with them. I explain and they listen. I'm not the best lecturer, I know. Kind of hard to be funny here--Kreans mostly like physical humor and my humor of choice is deadpan/dry. Both of which usually require a higher knowledge of the language. So I know they don't love me, but my students have really come to show me recently that I'm not that bad. If they're willing to listen then they will learn. Now it's not to say I don't have room to improve. I haven't been doing enough speaking exercises--too much writing. And sometimes I rush things--just so hard not to rush because it all seems easy to me. Sometimes the things that seem the easiest are often times the hardest. Still having trouble with "going to" with them. They're learning it though. Le sigh. I'm off to bed. Damn disease has me constantly exhausted.
still planning my return.

another update

I'm kicking ass update wise. Chyeah, no joke. However I have been drinking so this one might begin to meander all over the place. Body is aching lately...no working out has allowed my muscles to return to their early almost primordial state. So basically my back is turning to mush. But it only took me two months to get into great shape back home so hopefully it won't take longer than that whenever it is that I go back. The hours of this job keep me from working out. I work from 3-9 which are pretty great hours in many ways, but I sleep till right before I have to leave and I don't get home till about 10ish. Then I eat and goof around for a bit and then go to bed. Ugh. Not enough time in the day. I took a sketch pad from work a while ago...just started drawing in it recently. My first drawing was very superman esque but it had been on my mind. I've decided I'm not a good artist unless I draw really fast. So basically, I have talent but no training. So if I go fast and let the talent do it's thing it's rather impressive for how quick I drew...but if I take my time it really doesn't get much better....just easier to go fast. Makes me feel better about my drawing abilities. Hopefully the practice will improve how I draw when I do it slowly.

Downloaded some music software today. Some of this will be hard since I don't know how to play piano and I don't understand the software at all. Luckily I need something to do in my spare time plus I can think of stuff in my head and sing it out till I find out the notes on the piano thing. So expect a song made by me before too much longer. I'd say a month. Probably rip off a lot of other people...so don't tell on me. But I'm tired...off to bed.

Too Young

Went to the Lucky Strike tonight. Not my favorite bar because it is mostly Kreans. Many of them speak english though and the drinks are some of the best. Pretty mellow bar with music that isn't overly demanding. I just prefer to be in a more crowded bar. Honestly my dream bar is one with a lot of people and a nook that I can sit in and just watch. I don't want the music to be too loud. Loud enough so that people can dance, but not so loud that I can't hear anything. I was in a drawing mood so I sketched the bar then drew something from a quote that Curtis gave me (he wanted the drawing so I gave it to him...actually one of my best, but I'd rather he have it) and then I drew some other crap and one drawing I gave to a bartender that he staple gunned to the ceiling. Never had something hung up in a bar...a restaurant yes, but it's a first for a bar. Tonight was a good night overall. The day wasn't great...I'm still pretty depressed, but good nights like tonight help me a lot. One bad thing being that they really make me realize that once Curtis and Taylor leave...I definitely won't want to hang around. I'll be out like bell bottoms. Got told I look like Josh Hartnett twice tonight...well once was Josh Hartnett and the other was Josh Hartnetty...that's just krean english so that's how it goes. Haven't heard him in a while. Emily told me that most people who see me here think I look like an actor...makes me wish I was out doing that. I really don't have much to say. Just kind of decided I wanted to keep a more semi daily account of my time here. Might help me put more into perspective. uhh, I didn't go hiking as planned today--woke up too late so I just hung out and watched Batman...the cartoon ones from when I was a kid. Love that show. I think I'm going to find some music software to download so I can make some music when I'm bored. Thought it'd be fun. We'll see. Might be getting my tunes on krean radio...you never know. Yeah it won't happen. Be neat if it did though. Could be a krean superstar.

So what do I do now?

the phone call ended in such a way
that I wasn't sure just what to say
who to call
how to feel
won't someone tell me
is this even real
I'm such a mess
I'm such a wreck
I'm such a mess

is there some extra space
on your floor
next to your bed
and if you'll let me stay
I'll be there
cause in the nighttime
when you're sleeping
I'll be there to say
that I loved you
and I left you anyway

I was lost as a latchkey child
and I saw more than I could handle
left alone in the lonely aisle
left to stare into you

the phone call ended with drop me a line
I thought about it long and hard
so play me for a fool
even though I'm just a fool for you
I'll turn into a mess

and when the snow comes down
and covers up the ground
I'll see you for what you really are

play me for a fool
even though I'm just a fool for you
I'll turn into a mess

The Secret Handshake - Too Young

Pretty good song if you can find it.

No pictures on this post...if curtis posts any of the pictures of my sketches I'll put up the link.

Steve McQueen and me

Well there is really no easy way to say it, so I'll just come out with it; I might be leaving Krea early. Pulling what they call a "midnight run". Basically you just pack your bags and get the hell out of dodge as it were. I've been researching it quite a bit and have already pretty much decided how it'll be done. First, I'll mail some of my stuff home. Hopefully enough to where I'll still have the same luggage I came with...but it won't be jam packed. Hopefully be mostly empty. Luckily my boss doesn't keep tabs on me when I'm at home really so I can sneak off pretty unnoticed. Second, I'll have to get a plan ticket...I've pretty much settled on a travel agent in seoul as the best way. I'll pay cash and hopefully get a good deal. I have no bank account so that's easy...no need to close anything out and set off any alarms. All my money is in my desk. So I need to start saving money now. I've got about a grand in my desk. But I could use some more seed money for if and when I get home.


So really there isn't much to know. I will feel bad for leaving without a word and without reimbursing my ticket that they bought for me here. But as of now there isn't much I can do. I went over the contract and it said that if I want to quit I have to provide notice and reimburse the ticket plus continute working until a replacement is found and only get paid 70% of my normal wages. Plus let's not forget how mad they'll be during this time so work won't exactly be a great comfy environment--they'll be pissed and it'll show...be so awkward. Now if it was only that I had to continue working and pay back the ticket...I'd do it...or if it was that I had to continue working for only 70% and not pay back the ticket then that'd be fine, but both of those things are a little to heavy for me. Especially since the value of the won is down. Back when they bought my ticket here they paid about $850 (850,000won) for it. Now if I pay them back I'm sure I can't just look up the won to dollar rate for when I came (which was about what I just said: $1 = 1000 won (not exactly but much closer than it is now.)) They'll expect me to pay them the modern currency amount of $850, which right now with the won exchange rate it'd come to about 1,068,875. Which is quite a bit more then I'd like to pay. I mean, it's not very fair for me to have to pay about 200,000 more than they did. Especially since, despite the value not being as high as it was, nothing has really changed price wise here (except the cabs...they've gone up the assholes). Everything has remained the same and the won is expected to return more to normal in the next several months. But anyways. That's neither here nor there. Just a random thought with exchange rate and all.


So I can't really quit in the way stipulated in the contract--which is how I arrived at the ole "midnight run" idea. I looked online to be sure that this couldn't come back to bite me in the ass and it apparently can't. Most of what I read said that there really isn't anything they can do about me taking off except keep me from coming back for a long time by black listing me. Which I really wouldn't mind because, even if I should ever decide to return to work in krea I don't think it'd be for a while. So that really isn't a huge concern. Now there is the fact that I also couldn't visit, but, alas, after living here for several months I really don't forsee any visits in the near future. I probably never would've been too interested in a vacation in Krea anyways. Not that it's an awful place--just wouldn't be my top choice when there is so much else to see in the world. Sorry if you love it, but if you do--who are you and why are you reading my journal?


So here's the basic skinny on all this--I have been here for about 4 months. So I'm almost to the halfway point. I don't want to get overly specific on why I want to leave but I'll basically say that I am terribly homesick, there are some things going on back home that I can't do a thing about here (family stuff), and I don't really like the place I work at. I'm not going to lie, it's no horror story--it really isn't. Most of my complaints are fairly fun of the mill--I don't have it the best but definitely not the worst either. I do a fairly decent job at work. I show up and teach and do everything I'm really supposed to do. However there are things about life in Krea I just cannot get over and just bother me to no end. In and outside of work--I don't want to really get into it because I don't want random angry people posting and whining to me about how I'm wrong on a personal opinion and that Krea is so wonderful blah blah blah. I'm just posting this to my friends and to vent--if you've stumbled onto this and you feel you must comment then make it a nice one, if not then just click the x in the top right corner. Anyways, I do think my work situation is pretty crappy in some ways. We recently went to japan to complete my visa stuff so I could be legal (we were supposed to go when I first got there since I was only allowed to be in Krea for a month but he decided to just wait until November--after I had been illegal for a good two months). We got there and the trip was miserable (he didn't get a hotel and he somehow found a korean restaurant and made fast friends where the people offered for us to eat and sleep there). Mmm just what I had planned on when I heard I was going to japan--nothing like leaving Krea to eat more Krean food and sleep on the floor of a restaurant with my boss who sleeps in his briefs less than a foot away. SO blah blah blah the trip wasn't ideal. That's ok I survived--but when I got my check last month the entire trip had been deducted from my paycheck. Close to half of my paycheck gone for this trip. Now it had been understood that he would pay because I could've finished my Visa from home but he wanted me there sooner than that so he said japan was an idea etc. etc. However, he was gracious enough to say on the print out of my deductions that he had decided to pay for food and lodging on the trip. Oh how generous--our food and lodging budget was ZERO!! Except for when we ate at Mickey D's before finding the Krean restaurant. Some big shot. Anyways, that's the worst of it really, most everything else that drives me crazy are just small things but they're small regular things. Overtime small drops of water can wear through mountains. Now I've never been a mountain of tolerance but still. Also Kreans in general get on my nerves--they're pretty racist and have no problem with staring/pointing. Also they seem to think I'm an idiot because people will often speak in Krean around me and say words I know...such as teacher or american or my own name. Pretty easy to catch your name. But the tone they have you can tell it isn't flattering. I don't know...I'm not going to critique their society. Some things are just different but the racism and staring gets old. Now it might not always be racist staring...this country isn't exactly a melting pot. All koreans all the time. So when I walk in I do stick out, but still. There are enough westerners to know that I'm not the first one they've ever seen. And besides, get a look and then move on. If people were to take a subtle glance it'd be all well and good, but they stare and will point. Almost run into things because they are so engrossed and hypnotized by me standing there. At first it was kind of neat, made me feel like a celebrity or something, but that changes rather quickly into feeling like a freakshow. Now that could just be me. Maybe I'm too sensitive and paranoid. All very possible, I am the kind of person who prefers to be left alone for the most part. I don't know. I'll quit rambling--I'm sure I'll be getting angry comments on this or whatever, but what can you do? So yeah. I haven't decided for sure what I'm going to do. I think the holidays might've just been really hard and I'll toughen up and be back to my normal merry self. But as for now things haven't been so great for a while. So if you're my friend and reading this--I'll very possibly be back in about two months. I'm pinching my pennies and will be coming home with some cash in tow. Whether I come home after finishing the contract or in two months--I'm going to have enough to get together with everyone and party. I'll let you know.

It will suck to lose a good reference though--and a year long job in a foreign country reference would look pretty good on my resume. But if I'm not happy, I'm not happy. And I promised myself I would never let myself get this bad again. Here's to hoping it just passes. I can't stand feeling like this anymore.